She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
Randomize
