after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Randomize
