I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
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