Kareoke will never be a sober sport
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
