I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Randomize
