apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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