That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
