I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
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