kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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