Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
is he the 3rd person to bang everyone in our group?
then he tried to convert me to islam
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
Randomize
