What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Still dying that you shit outside
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Randomize
