ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Randomize
