i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
