2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Well to be completely honest its more of a 'i wanna do things to you that your parents would not enjoy hearing about' mood
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
