"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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