Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
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