Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
Randomize
