god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
Randomize