currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Help. Why am I so naked?
Randomize