She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Randomize
