Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
Randomize
