just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Randomize
