so all night Ive been that girl with her tits out @ the bar. I mean I dropped jaws, yo. But in a classy way.
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
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