sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Randomize
