Hey man sorry I got all grabby
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
Randomize