There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Randomize
