I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
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