Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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