apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
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