Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
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