I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize