sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
New major. Tourism Management. I dont know what it is but it sounds like something all the stupid slutty failed business management majors do.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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