Are we in a gay sports bar?
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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