3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
I've decided to only have meaningless sex from now on.
And what brought this epiphany?
I've decided it's a lot easier to have dirty amazing sex with someone when you don't care about the other person or what they think of you. I'm going to test this theory soon. Will update you later
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
