I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
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