anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
