is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Randomize
