My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize
