Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
Randomize
