I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
Randomize
