Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
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