I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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