If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
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