We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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