Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
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