I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
Randomize
