Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
