One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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