I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
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