Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
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