i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Randomize
