Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
