I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
Randomize
