she woke up with a sticky ear
im six kinds of drunk right now
is it normal that we went to that class once and both got 100's on the final? ohhhh, arizona state.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
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