I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
Randomize
