Hoooooo maaaaan
Yes?
I'm retarded. Again.
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
Randomize
